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As I celebrate my thirty first birthday this year, it worries me that my son has become a man. Memories hit my head, the time I conceived him and it gets even worse knowing that he still faces almost a similar situation in life like mine. Having grown up with the care of a mother is great but only if she is caring enough to guide you in life. The irresponsibility of a stepfather wraps it all in worsening the situation. In fact, I would say that it is almost like growing up without parents.
I remember that day when I felt ill at school after I had taken lunch with my colleagues. The road to the health center was better because I knew I would recover but it became worse when the doctor requested some private time with me and sent my friends out. “You are pregnant” I recall those last words in our long conversation. It hit me like a bullet as I struggled to conceptualize my next step. What was to happen did not seem real to me. I had time to fake it and talk it over with that ‘man’ who had promised me so much just to get me in bed. I cannot blame him on everything that happened, because I also at such young age fell to his tricks so easily. The reality of life dawned on me when his father was against our union claiming that he was too young to be a father as if he did not know that when he did it. Back to my parents, they too did not give me another chance. Being a young girl of 16, I could have rushed and made a decision like the one they do. I knew that, it could not be nothing-short f suicide. However, I hang on to life though I had lost the taste of life.
Dropping out of school was my worry because I had big dreams in future. Surely, man’s plans are futile, they can disappoint in a flash. Who could have said that the brightest girl student in class could turn out to be the bad example of others? Painfully I drooped out of school but I vowed to keep my baby no matter what. Life really feasted on me as I struggled to make ends meet. My mother and stepfather turned their backs on me and it was clear that I had to do it my way.
Though I made it and I still survive up to now, I still have worries in my heart. I never was able to give my son Tristan the kind of parenting he deserves. I know for sure that he could have grown up to be a better and stronger man if he had a father in his upbringing. Sexual matters have turned out to be a difficult topic to handle. I am guilty that I did not set the best example. What can I tell my son concerning sexual matters? Do you think he can believe me? There is still something I fear, what if he asks me about his father. I really am a “bad mother” but I cannot admit it. My son is now fourteen, and when a single day passes by, I still fear the unexpected. I want the best for him and I would anything to see him pass this adolescent’s age only that I do not know how. How I wish these days would move like a flash, just as I found about my pregnancy, I would be happy to see him get older and wise enough to make his own decision. Why did I rush? I now realize why my teachers always told me to wait for the right time. Things would not have worsened this far.